I was trying so hard to not share a sad song but yeah, that is not happening. Not now, not any time soon. Blame the Pisces for longing for ✨drama✨
This month’s mail took some time and that is because I have been taking a lot of time for most (if not all) things lately. Time is also taking me. March marked another orbit 💫, another year older.
I already had this whole ass emotional dump write-up prepared, but I am also very hormonal right now and scrapped most of it just to type something just as equally emotional. Hormones, ugh. Anyway, in it, I said I was never big on birthdays. That I didn’t like being celebrated. It felt like a burden; makes me feel like a burden, despite being told that that’s not what it is. (Taking in reassurance is not my strong suit.) That’s basically the reason why I left on a two-week solo trip on my birthday month. Not to celebrate, but to avoid celebrating. Idk, if you get it, you get it. (And then Tiktok, my unwarranted therapist, perceived me the whole trip and kept bringing up avoidant attachment style videos in my FYP.) That maybe I do. I do want to celebrate. It’s just been so long since I felt that way that my brain very unanimously decided that I didn’t like it when damn well, I DO.
I was told growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am. And I may still not be that big on birthdays. Blowing candles just gets less satisfying as the years add on. (There can only be a limited number of candles on the cake, too, without it being a fire hazard.) And maybe what I crave more than cake is its sweetness 10 years ago. (But to hell, I can never do salubong parties anymore.) But I also just know that I would be glad to have a slice, this year, too, when I look back 10 years ahead. So yeah, I’m coming to terms with being okay with craving celebrations (Read: It’s okay to crave to be remembered. To be loved.)
Another year and I am still here,
Louise
P.S. I had more than one wish when I blew my candles this year. Selfish? Yes. Hopeful? Even more.
P.P.S. Ending this reminded me of Frank O’Hara’s words which is the type of vulnerable I aspire to come close to in this lifetime: “It’s a summer day, and I want to be wanted more than anything else in the world.”
P.P.P.S. Bawi ako with happy songs which was my default background music for March just because the album is named “Last Birthday”
Next month na lang ang photo dump. Here is but one of the many sweets me and the alagas had for March. Still reeling in from the fact that I really gave myself a month off. ♫ Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?~ ♫ (3 weeks lang cheka, di ko kinaya at nagsubmit na ko ng stuff kahapon) But I have read so many mababaw novels and not-so-babaw fanfics, I FEEL INSANE I FEEL GREAT, I will be sharing all about it soon. Til then, I will let the “food as a metaphor for love” tag consume me.
a (belated/advanced and still merry) happy birthday, Louise! super appreciate reading this unhinged cache post on the first day of April ahahaha! thank u for sharing a piece (and some pieces coz i've seen u update on IG stories and man, i love the solitary moments) of your delightful solo trip and more so, these words. cheers to you!!!
happy birthday, miss louise :)))